True Devotion
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot,you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"You're bad luck, why don't you just fuck off!

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
"Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast once. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast twice". The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, "reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two hundred and fifty times."

Orgasm
A man and woman are seated next to each other in First Class on a plane. The woman sneezes, and then takes a tissue and gently wipes up under her skirt between her legs.
The man isn't sure he actually saw what he saw and decides he is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again, takes a tissue, and gently wipes between her legs. The man is about to go nuts, he can't believe what he is seeing.
A few more minutes pass. When the woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you have sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs. What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"
The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare medical condition, such that when I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling guilty, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says
"Black Pepper."

Sex Problem
A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got this sex problem, Doc. You've got to help me."
"Well," says the quack, "tell me about your average day."
"Well it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up at about 3am and again at about 5am for nookie. Later, we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work!"
"Oh I see," says the doc.
"No, hang on," says the young man "you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day, we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there."
"Oh... now I see," says the quack.
"No you don't," says our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom."
"Oh.... now I see," says the quack.
"No, no, no," says the randy old bugger. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of, and we nip out the back for a quickie."
"Now I understand," says the extremely patient doctor.
"No, hang on," says the man. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss - a very demanding lady I might add - has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack!"
"Ahh...." says the doctor, "now I see."
"No, there's more," says our man, almost in tears." When I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards!"
By now, the exasperated doctor is beginning to lose his cool, "So just what is your problem?!"
"Well..." says our hero...... "It hurts when I wank.............."